Onion Wannabes
December 14th, 2009
- Airport Janitor Having Hell of Time Finding Outlets for Vacuum
- Study: 100% of Shoe Shiners Just in it for the Money
- Area Man’s Suicide Attempt Fails: “Is a noose a special knot?”
- Villain’s Evil Twin Even More Villainous
- Circus Historian: “First Human Cannonball Actually Suicide Attempt”
- Defendant Finds Jury Guilty of Being Dicks
- Concentration Camp Gift Shop Captures Spirit of Holocaust
- Wives of B&B Owners Demand More Romance in Their Marriages
- Overweight Pregnant Women Demand Nation’s Congratulations
- Nation’s Illiterati: “Can Someone Read the Arby’s Menu to Us?”
- Report: Failing English Students Have Symbolically Incorrect Dreams
- Repeat Offender Relocates Based on Quality of Town’s Prison Systems
- Report: Most Motorcycle Gangs More Like Clubs
- Study: 100% of Suicide Victims Pro-Choice
- Study: Celebrities Ineffective at Community Service
- Area Man’s 80th Birthday Tribute Becomes Eulogy 3 Weeks Later
- Chapstick Reluctantly Shared, Thrown Away
- Auto Show Parking Lot Looks a Lot Like Auto Show
- Autopsy Reveals Deceased Had One Hell of a Last Meal
- Incredibly Shrinking Woman Thrilled She Kept Daughter’s Old Clothes
- Study: Kids of Parents Who Believe in Santa Claus Receive Fewer Gifts Than Kids of Parents Who Don’t
- Real Tornado Sends Dorothy to Kansas Morgue
- Op-Ed: Why Should I lose the title “most eligible bachelor” because of one little rape?
- Donut Craver Didn’t Realize Sign Said “Barkery”
- Boy’s Childhood Photoshopped
- Other Sirhan Sirhan Finally Gets Around to Changing Name
- Native American Rapper Refers to His Special Area as “Scrotum Pole”
- Tooth Fairy Suspicious of Foul Play after Child Submits 57th Tooth
- Suicide Bombers Agog at Discovery of Throwable Explosives
- SAT Cheater Learns the Hard Way Why It’s So Hard to Get Into Yale
- NASA Denies Involvement in Space Shuttle Pileup on Route 19
- Katherine Kimberly Kennedy Can’t Have Her Initials Monogrammed on Anything
- Sound Check Guy Playing Shitty Original Material
- Art Teacher Op-Ed: “Who the hell let the guy with no arms enroll in my painting class?”
- OCD Sufferers to USA: “Please do not add a 51st state.”
- Point: “I Probably Set the Bar Too Low When I Sold my Soul for Mediocre Pancakes”; Counterpoint: “I don’t know. These pancakes are all right.”
- Study: Marriages of Convenience Less Convenient Ten Years Later
- Area Scientist Mixes up Reverse Psychology and Reverse Archeology
- Da Vinci’s Diary Found: “I Fucked the Shit Out of Mona Lisa”
- Johnson & Johnson: “We Can’t Know the Shampoo is Tearless Unless We Try it in Babies’ Eyes.”
- Criminal With Time Machine Never Has Believable Alibi
- Study: Ludacris Fans Can’t Remember How to Spell “Ludicrous”
- Videophone Sex Makes Overweight Couple Realize Benefits of Regular Phone Sex
- Abusive Father Hopes He Can Play That One Off as a Birthmark
- Judge Can’t Believe How Many Fucking Laws Vermont Has
- Trick Birthday Candle Makes Parents Realize They’ve Raised an 8-Year-Old Arsonist
- Child Asks Santa for Dad to Stop Taking Nude Photos of Her
- Op-Ed: “I just climbed Everest and you’re telling me there’s no cell service up here?”
- Margaret Thatcher Can’t Remember How She Got That Black Eye
- Coworker Returns From “Lunch Run” With Bag from M&M Store
- Study: Stealing Wheelchair Easier the More Handicapped Its Owner Is
- Brutus Op-Ed: “That ‘Beware the Ides of March’ guy is really getting on my nerves.”
- Op-Ed: “I shouldn’t have returned to the scene of the crime, especially since the crime was escaping from prison.”
- Hypnotist Op-Ed: ” You don’t want to know what I have my subjects do, and also you are getting very sleepy.”
- Paul Haggis Disappointed Other Driver in Fender Bender Caucasian
- Study: Bulletproof Glass Also Jump-Through-Window-of-Burning-Building-Proof