And what he loved most was changing topics of conversation, in this case from:
JAMES: These azaleas are absolutely to die for.
JAMES (CONT’D): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
You throw a plate full of food away.
DO-GOODER: Hey, there are children in Africa!
YOU: I assumed as much.
HER: You wouldn’t want to date someone like me.
YOU: Oh, stop. If you weren’t frumpy, and dim-witted, and with-unibrow, and an illiterate Scrabbler, and a Titanic denier, and bald, and a blood relative, and I wasn’t homosexual, well then I might just have to snatch you up and marry you… if I believed in marriage.
When commercial directors get footage of starving kids in Africa for fundraisers and Sally Struthers and the like, what do they tell those kids they’re shooting?
DIRECTOR: Don’t smile. Yeah, good! Keep being yourself. Your sad, miserable, impoverished self!
If you’re a kid, it would suck to be kidnapped. If you’re a parent, it would suck for your kid to be kidnapped, but it would doubly suck if the kidnapper was someone who’s a way better cook than you are.
YOU: Oh, Gabby, I’m so glad you’re okay. I missed you sooooooooooo much!
GABBY: Me too. So what’s for dinner?
GABBY: Puke barf. You know who makes a great stew? The masked man who tied me up.
YOU: Is it too late to get the ransom refunded?
ME: I’ve had trouble sleeping, so I started taking roofies.
DR. NOSY: Why do you have roofies?
A bill proposal in California would legalize gambling against horses. As a champion of the state of California, I’m swinging my support their way by starting a new business called Ryan Stayton’s Horse Assassinations, whereby my clients bet on a horse to lose and I assassinate the horse mid-race, making it the loser and them (and the state of California) the winner.