Ryan Stayton

Segway Owner Dies in Segway Crash

And what he loved most was changing topics of conversation, in this case from:

JAMES: These azaleas are absolutely to die for.

to

JAMES (CONT’D): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

40% of witnesses deemed it inappropriate that the police arrived via Segways.

You throw a plate full of food away.

DO-GOODER: Hey, there are children in Africa!

YOU: I assumed as much.

And they look so happy.

HER: You wouldn’t want to date someone like me.

YOU: Oh, stop. If you weren’t frumpy, and dim-witted, and with-unibrow, and an illiterate Scrabbler, and a Titanic denier, and bald, and a blood relative, and I wasn’t homosexual, well then I might just have to snatch you up and marry you… if I believed in marriage.

"If you were hung like an unruly POW...."

When commercial directors get footage of starving kids in Africa for fundraisers and Sally Struthers and the like, what do they tell those kids they’re shooting?

DIRECTOR: Don’t smile. Yeah, good! Keep being yourself. Your sad, miserable, impoverished self!

"The Sierra Leone Actors Guild requires we pay you one ladle of dirty water."

If you’re a kid, it would suck to be kidnapped. If you’re a parent, it would suck for your kid to be kidnapped, but it would doubly suck if the kidnapper was someone who’s a way better cook than you are.

YOU: Oh, Gabby, I’m so glad you’re okay. I missed you sooooooooooo much!

GABBY: Me too. So what’s for dinner?

YOU: Stew.

GABBY: Puke barf. You know who makes a great stew? The masked man who tied me up.

YOU: Is it too late to get the ransom refunded?

Just another Tuesday lunch at the home of Mr. and Mrs. Childnabbers.

ME: I’ve had trouble sleeping, so I started taking roofies.

DR. NOSY: Why do you have roofies?

"I knew I had a problem the night I counted 78,412 sheep without snoozing."

A bill proposal in California would legalize gambling against horses. As a champion of the state of California, I’m swinging my support their way by starting a new business called Ryan Stayton’s Horse Assassinations, whereby my clients bet on a horse to lose and I assassinate the horse mid-race, making it the loser and them (and the state of California) the winner.

Sure that horsey looks like it's a sure thing to win, but accept no immitations: the only sure thing in horse racing is Ryan Stayton's Horse Assassinations.