OTHER REVELERS: 10, 9, 8, 7….
REVELER: 72, 18, 4, umm… 806….
MATHEMAGICIAN (TO REVELER): I probably shouldn’t have hired you to do my taxes.
"I can't believe I'm friends with you."
The surest way to get off on the wrong foot in 2010 is to make a New Year’s resolution to never make resolutions, you hypocrite.
REVELER: So where’s the restroom?
[100,000 OTHER REVELERS LAUGH HYSTERICALLY WHILST THE REVELER REALIZES (S)HE'S NOT STANDING IN MELTED SNOW]
Sure you'll tell people it was worth those 8 hours, but was it? Was it really?
Did you know that if a kid’s parents believe in Santa Claus, (s)he receives fewer presents than kids whose parents don’t believe?
They don't even get coal.
Running an enterprise in which you build and deliver products for free? I predict your ROI is 0%.
I haven’t seen A Bridge Too Far, but I have a question for the screenwriter: couldn’t your film also be called A Traditional Bridge and Then Some Road?
Better it be too far than too break-y and too collapse-y.
UNDERLING: What happened, boss?
FIRST EVER PIMP: Sprained ankle. Gotta use this here cane and walk like a gimp. You make fun of me, I kill you.
UNDERLING: Actually, I think it’s… hip?
FIRST EVER PIMP: You a yes man?
UNDERLING: Yes, sir.
FIRST EVER PIMP: Well get limpin’.
UNDERLING: Yes, sir.
I got my four-year-old nephew the new Benjamin Button Cabbage Patch Kid. Then I told him the story of Benjamin Button. Then I told him he only has four years to live.
"What do you want to do with your last four years alive?" "Not see that movie." "You've chosen wisely."
The cruise ship is sinking.
CAPTAIN LIVERWORT: Women and children first!
EVERY LIVERWORT PASSENGER: That could be a problem.
"Let's have hot asex one last time before we go down. Yes, I am talking to myself."