Because it’s never too soon:
Your grandmother’s case is terminal and she’s decided to die at home, namely your home. The 2010 census taker stops by and, thank God, grandmother’s still hanging in there. Sadly, ten minutes after your 2010 census taker leaves, she passes. Do you
a.) chase the 2010 census taker down to update his/her head count?
b.) blow it off? It’s just the f*cking census.
c.) None of the above. Start planning your grandmother’s wake, you inconsiderate prick.
It’s that if you ever get heroically drunk in LA–so drunk that if you stumble upon a body of water you want to take the plunge–and you DO stumble upon a body of water, you can’t dive in because at night every body of water looks like the La Brea Tar Pits.
While recently fielding car insurance quotes, I noticed the maximum coverage typically offered is $500,000 for property damage plus $500,000 for bodily injury. The question I have for people who maximize their coverage goes like this: if you’re at fault for an accident that causes $1,000,000 in property damage and medical costs, do you honestly think you’ll survive said accident, and given your certain death why bother insuring yourself at such a high cost?
Do insurance companies insure the cars they wreck in their commercials, and if so do they insure them at another company?
OTHER INSURER: All eleven of your luxury Mercedes automobiles were in a horrific accident?
INSURER: Yep.
OTHER INSURER: With each other?
INSURER: Yep.
OTHER INSURER: And nobody got hurt?
INSURER: Yep.
OTHER INSURER: Sounds like an insurance commercial.
INSURER: Way off. Funeral procession gone awry.
Progressive uses Geico.
I drove past a car wash today whose entrance was blocked by a throng of people, all of whom were holding black & white, homemade posters and chanting something indecipherable in unison, and I thought, “Why would anyone protest a car wash?”
Then I realized it was a fundraiser for high school kids. I was two blocks past them when I realized I could’ve used a car wash, and I could’ve used a car wash for a good cause.
One of these is less effective than the others.
If I invented the camera, I wouldn’t have told anyone about it and I’d have posed as the world’s greatest Realist painter (black and white, obviously).
CRITIC: I can’t believe you painted that.
ME: I can.
CRITIC: I mean, that’s the best nude I’ve ever seen.
ME: You should see the other photos I have from that day!
[BOTH LAUGH]
CRITIC: What’s a “photo”?
Returning to the scene of the crime is dumb, but it’s especially dumb when the crime was escaping from jail. I mean, what were you thinking, dad?
The best time for an earthquake–not that there’s ever a good time per se–would be right as you body slam someone. Also, you’re a wrestler.
In the print edition of today’s L.A. Times, the article linked below features the headline and sub-headline:
Rest easy, Tim Daly fanatics: despite the headline’s implications, Tim Daly is not a lunatic who believes in haunted houses, and nowhere in the article is that implied.
Don’t rest easy, haunted house believers: Tim Daly is not looking to be the celebrity face for your cause.
