Some internet porn advertisements sound less like sexy sales pitches and more like threats. “Russian girls are looking for you.” Aw hell no. I swore there were no witnesses to that hit and run during my ‘92 spring break in Slovakia.
It’s unusual to see the subject “porn actor” used with the verb “comes” in this context:
HIV-positive LA porn actor comes forward
This picture is unrelated to the story, but somehow it feels right.
Little known fact: the worst side of the bed to get up on isn’t the wrong side. The worst side to get up on is the headboard side.
No good day ever starts with a concussion.
PITCHMAN: It’s a movie about dogs dying.
HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVE: ZOMG LOVE! Please tell me it’s animated! Here’s ten million dollars!
The reality is some dogs go to purgatory.
The shortest distance between two points is teleportation.
Also: MapQuest is obsolete.
Henry Fonda: Dead
Fay Wray: Dead
Rudolph Valentino: Dead
ME: I’ve had trouble sleeping, so I started taking roofies.
DR. NOSY: Why do you have roofies?
"I knew I had a problem the night I counted 78,412 sheep without snoozing."
A bill proposal in California would legalize gambling against horses. As a champion of the state of California, I’m swinging my support their way by starting a new business called Ryan Stayton’s Horse Assassinations, whereby my clients bet on a horse to lose and I assassinate the horse mid-race, making it the loser and them (and the state of California) the winner.
Sure that horsey looks like it's a sure thing to win, but accept no immitations: the only sure thing in horse racing is Ryan Stayton's Horse Assassinations.
China is in the midst of a 9 day, 100 km traffic jam.
CHINESE URBAN PLANNER: I told you the Great Wall needed a gate.
China: not quite the world superpower we feared.
Also against drunk driving: dads.
Not helping mothers form groups against Attention Defecit Disorder.