Sentences You Will Never Hear

March 28th, 2011

“The Port-O-Lets are just up those escalators.”

Pooping outdoors is not something that happens near escalators.

Pooping outdoors is not something that happens near escalators.

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What a New Dad Who Isn’t Getting Any at Home Shouldn’t Say at the Birth of His Child

March 23rd, 2011

NEW DAD: This is the happiest moment of my life since nine months ago.

"You've touched a boob more recently than I have."

"You've touched a boob more recently than I have."

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“I’m Right Around the Corner.”

March 4th, 2011

Some internet porn advertisements sound less like sexy sales pitches and more like threats. “Russian girls are looking for you.” Aw hell no. I swore there were no witnesses to that hit and run during my ‘92 spring break in Slovakia.

ussr

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A-maze-ing Corn

February 8th, 2011

The worst part about owning a corn maze is having to go through every square foot of it every night before you close to make sure nobody’s gotten lost and died. Especially if you’re bad at mazes.

The second worst part is actually finding a dead body.

The second worst part is actually finding a dead body.

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Report: 4% of NASCAR Fans Understand NASCAR Scoring System

February 2nd, 2011

Followup Report: That Same 4% of NASCAR Fans Are Also Only 4% of NASCAR Fans Who Understand How Much 4% Is

"I just know the cars go real speedy around the funny circular drive surface place."

"I just know the cars go real speedy around the funny circular drive surface place."

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Duel Meaning

January 27th, 2011

Period pieces flagrantly skip over the time between the challenge to a duel and the duel itself, which typically went a little something like so:

The CHALLENGER slaps the CHALLENGED across the face with a white satin glove.

CHALLENGER: I challenge thee to a duel!

CHALLENGED: Oh. Okay.

The Challenger scampers off.

CHALLENGED (CONT’D, TO SELF): I better start practicing how to use a gun.

CUT TO:

MONTAGE - ALL NIGHT GUN TRAINING SEQUENCE

Most fancy lads had little to no gun training prior to being challenged to a duel.

Most fancy lads had little to no gun training prior to being challenged to a duel.

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Problems With Taping a Big Budget Candid Camera

January 11th, 2011

VICTIM #1: But you’re not a UPS delivery man. You’re Bob De Niro.

"But you're not my librarian. You're Angela Lansburg. Oh, you are volunteering at the library."

"But you're not my librarian. You're Angela Lansburg. Oh, you're a volunteer at the library. That's hot."

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My Love For Hot Towels Can Only Be Done Justice via Caps Lock

January 6th, 2011

I HEART HOT TOWELS! My love makes me wonder why I don’t treat myself to hot towels at home, because they’re not exactly hard to *make*.

In related news, I’m starting my own business, which until I think of a better name will be called Hot or Not Towels? Hot! These Towels are Definitely Hot.

Never accept a hot towel from a stranger not using tweezers.

Never accept a hot towel from a stranger not using tweezers.

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My New Year’s Resolution List is Modest

January 3rd, 2011

1. Win more than 50% of my tic-tac-toe matches.

Okay, 0 for 1.

Okay, 0 for 1.

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Why Not to Angrily Text Someone Who is Late

December 22nd, 2010

YOU: “In front of theater. It’s 1.”

YOU: “Still in front. It’s 1:05.”

YOU: “Saving seats. 1:08.”

YOU: “Previews just started. 1:10. WTF?”

YOU: “You’re missing amazing trailers!”

YOU: “Burlesque just started. 1:21. Hustle!”

YOU: “Best movie I ever saw alone! I hate you.”

CUT TO:

INT. HOSPITAL - EIGHT YEARS LATER

THEM: “Just got out of coma. Hit by car. My bad.”

Not your bad.

Not your bad.

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