“The Port-O-Lets are just up those escalators.”
NEW DAD: This is the happiest moment of my life since nine months ago.
Some internet porn advertisements sound less like sexy sales pitches and more like threats. “Russian girls are looking for you.” Aw hell no. I swore there were no witnesses to that hit and run during my ‘92 spring break in Slovakia.
The worst part about owning a corn maze is having to go through every square foot of it every night before you close to make sure nobody’s gotten lost and died. Especially if you’re bad at mazes.
Followup Report: That Same 4% of NASCAR Fans Are Also Only 4% of NASCAR Fans Who Understand How Much 4% Is
Period pieces flagrantly skip over the time between the challenge to a duel and the duel itself, which typically went a little something like so:
The CHALLENGER slaps the CHALLENGED across the face with a white satin glove.
CHALLENGER: I challenge thee to a duel!
CHALLENGED: Oh. Okay.
The Challenger scampers off.
CHALLENGED (CONT’D, TO SELF): I better start practicing how to use a gun.
MONTAGE - ALL NIGHT GUN TRAINING SEQUENCE
VICTIM #1: But you’re not a UPS delivery man. You’re Bob De Niro.
1. Win more than 50% of my tic-tac-toe matches.
YOU: “In front of theater. It’s 1.”
YOU: “Still in front. It’s 1:05.”
YOU: “Saving seats. 1:08.”
YOU: “Previews just started. 1:10. WTF?”
YOU: “You’re missing amazing trailers!”
YOU: “Burlesque just started. 1:21. Hustle!”
YOU: “Best movie I ever saw alone! I hate you.”
INT. HOSPITAL - EIGHT YEARS LATER
THEM: “Just got out of coma. Hit by car. My bad.”